Sigh. I've been putting off having to write about this. As you probably know, two weeks ago I went into the OB because I was suffering from a kidney infection. In the course of checking on the baby, my doctor discovered that our little had died. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant. We were finally starting to feel good about this pregnancy thinking this one is here to stay... and with that feeling we were finally letting ourselves get excited.

Some days it feels like a dream... like I was never pregnant at all... and then there are the days where the pain of losing our baby is too much to bear. I saw this baby's heartbeat, I saw this little one move... there are days when I can't believe we're going through this again.

My doctor called it a missed miscarriage... meaning the baby had died but my body failed to recognize it and was continuing with the pregnancy. The placenta had continued to grow so I had a massive sac and he recommended a D&C... which I agreed to (and this turns out to be a blessing as you will soon read why).

I had asked the OB "what went wrong"... and was told we may never know. Then I got a call from him last week I knew nothing good was going to come from the call. He told me the pathology report had come back and it was a partial molar pregnancy... and my heart stopped. I've known one person that's had a molar pregnancy and I knew this was a bad thing... a thing that could delay our quest for a family for a while. While we still have so many questions that we need answered... and I'm not sure we'll ever fully understand how this happened, I'll try to explain what we do know.

A partial molar pregnancy is a pregnancy when a baby forms but something goes wrong and the placenta becomes a tumor and eventually kills the baby. From what I have read, this happens one of two ways... 2 sperm fertilize one egg and either cause 1 baby with 69 chromosomes (these babies tend to have severe birth defects and die) or it results in a twin pregnancy where one of the babies is healthy and the other is a mole (i.e.- no baby just a placenta). The placentas in a molar pregnancy grows and produce crazy levels of hormones... which my doctor said explains why I was so extremely sick with this pregnancy. This also explains why the placenta continued growing after the baby died and why the placenta was so large for how far along I was.

So here's the catch... because these placentas are tumors, they like to seed into the lining of the uterus. A D&C is necessary because this way the lining of the uterus is also removed. My doctor told me the good news is that with a partial molar pregnancy, 99% of the time a D&C gets rid of all the cells... but because there's a small chance that cells remain behind, he recommends waiting at least a few months before we try to get pregnant again. I have weekly labs drawn to monitor my Hcg levels (the pregnancy hormone) and we're praying that it goes back to zero quickly. Once they reach zero, I have to continue getting labs drawn for an additional month to make sure the levels stay zero. If any cells remain, they'll start growing a new placenta and my Hcg level would rise... so if the level stays zero for 1 month, it's considered safe to proceed forward.

I won't say I'm not stressed by the thought that this nightmare may not be over... and I'm not a patient person so learning to wait is not easy for me. I'm still so confused and have so many questions. We've gotten to the point where I have good days and bad (an improvement from a week ago where things changed by the hour).

I read this recently on someone's blog (a lady who recently lost a baby)... and it spoke to my heart. I ache for the baby we'll never hold... but I look forward to being united in heaven. Praise God that we have that hope.

"Satan is no gentleman for sure, he doesn't back off when we are hurting or when the unimaginable has happened to us - he came at me with everything he had with lie after lie...he tried to get me to believe that my life was over, that we wouldn't have happiness again, and that we shouldn't have other children. Thankfully, our great GOD pursued me even harder..."

God has been gracious me in this trial... protecting my heart so I don't harden it to Him, surrounding me with the love of friends and an amazing husband. Please continue to pray for us. We desperately covet the prayers of the saints as we walk through this trail... confident in our God's ability to meet all our needs and minister to our spirits.

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know.

Though my heart and flesh may fail.

There's an anchor for my soul.

I can say "It is well."

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.

The victory is won, He is risen from the dead.

And I will rise when He calls my name.

No more sorrow no more pain.

I will rise on eagle's wings.

Before my God fall on my knees.

There's day a that's drawing near.

When this darkness breaks to light.

And the shadows disapear

And my faith shall be my eyes.

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "worthy is the Lamb"